Help! He’s become a grumpy old man

Q. I have been with my partner for 30 years plus. Half of that in marriage. He is older than me, which was never an issue, but as time has gone on he has become beset by various ailments which have had a profound effect on his personality. He has gone from being someone who made me laugh and always saw the best in people, to having a permanently negative outlook. Our once-passionate sex life is non-existent and I feel no attraction to the grumpy old man he has become — but feel, in my fifties, I could still be enjoying a decent sex life. How can I reverse this decline or come to terms with my situation in a way that doesn’t leave me resentful?
A. Illness and pain have a remarkable capacity to change the way people think and behave. It is not just about physical discomfort — the degree to which a person is suffering is not necessarily related to the degree of pain that they are in — it is the impact that the experience of being ill has on the way that people think. Even when symptoms are under control, a sick person worries about what it will feel like when the pain starts again.
It is, unfortunately, a vicious circle and it sounds as if your husband is trapped in this negative feedback loop. You describe a man who was once incredibly positive, who made you laugh and with whom you had a passionate sex life. Although you might have expected him to cope better, the fact that he was such a happy and highly functional person before he got ill might explain why he has responded so badly. He feels old and impotent, and the age gap between you probably doesn’t help either. Your relative youth only reminds him of the fact that he probably has less time left than you. Relationships are mirrors and if he was being nice to you, you would be kinder to him.
• Am I letting my wife down in bed?
You definitely need to talk to him about how his moods are making you feel because if his health issues are unlikely to change, he needs to realise that it is incredibly difficult to remain unconditionally supportive of someone who has a permanently negative outlook and who makes no effort to accommodate anyone else’s needs. It can be much easier to explore difficult subjects like ageing and illness with the help of a good couples counsellor. A professional who has prior experience supporting couples with difficult life transitions can help you both to explore how what is happening now might impact you both in the future. They will help you to feel heard and help your husband to understand that it is not all about him.
Heartfelt conversations with each other, with or without third party support, will get you to a place of greater honesty and understanding. Vulnerability exponentially increases emotional connection and that is something that you should capitalise on by having sex. Sexual intimacy rapidly restores feelings of affection, but sex and orgasm are also one of the quickest and the easiest ways to relieve your husband’s discomfort and boost his mood. Orgasm triggers the release of feelgood hormones such as serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin which help to regulate mood, alleviate stress and increase happiness. It also triggers the release of endorphins that have a powerful analgesic effect.
He may have issues with mobility, but if that is the case, choose positions where you are on top or pleasure him without penetration in a position that is comfortable for him. Moving forward, you both need to be open to exploring different types of sex. Pillows are useful and adding props can add excitement and really help to take the pressure off. Do whatever it takes to remain sexually connected and, in the warm afterglow of orgasm, you may rediscover that lovely man you married.Send your questions to [email protected] or write to Suzi Godson, Weekend, The Times, 1 London Bridge Street, London SE1 9GF
Have you experienced something similar to our reader? Comment below with your own advice
Am I letting my wife down in bed?
@Xander Glasgow: “I let my wife down in bed once. We were staying at a friends and we slept on an inflatable mattress and for a laugh I deflated it while she was still sleeping. Apart from that, I’m a total legend.”
@Suzi Lowe: “Don’t underestimate how much a woman likes to feel desired — regardless of her age or the length of the marriage.”
@Bethany Inggs: “Do your bit for family harmony and suggest three times a week. To recreate the Olympic feel good factor, buy her some spicy French underwear and create a discipline challenge.”